You search in the sea of blondes and whites for the white and the raven haired 'dude'.

More blondes

More whites

Local Balinese here and there selling you beers and trinkets...

"No man!! it's too early for booze!!! where is this mother fucker!"

THEN...

With a little voice tells you "look right"

........................................

There he is....sitting cross legged next to his surfboard---looking at you

"You remember me?"

The words cling through your ears but funnily you never hear it coming out from his mouth...Now the battle continues

The LOGIC in you wants to PLAY IT COOL - "Maybe...should I?"

The HEART in you wants to LET THE MOMENT LAST - "Yes of course"

The LUST in you can't get any more obvious - "What are we waiting for?"

You are standing in front of him, cigarette in one hand, the other on your hips thinking what to say while he smiles at you uncertainly at your reaction...

YOU KNOW what he wants you to say... as a woman...you play that game OH SO WELL....

LOGIC + LUST = "I think so...please enlighten me?"

SPOT ON

The smile got wider and he invites you to sit next to him and he know how to make the effort...

"Let's do this again, Hi I'm Michael...I bet you didn't remember that"

"Hi Michael, I'm Lilian...bet you didn't remember that as well"

LOGIC RULES with the hint of sexual attraction.

So you sit and you talk, laugh....then he invites you to join him for dinner after his surf.

SCORE!!!!!

LOGIC, EMOTIONS AND LUST can take a backseat for the time being while you have a romantic candlelight dinner with peels and peels of laughter, childhood memories, varsity stories......New Zealand All Blacks rugby...hobbies...music...just your everyday date.

It was great while it lasted....can the night get better...YES why not...he invites you for drinks at the bar...you guys continue the talk..on and on and on...

SUDDENLY...

You guys found out that your second meeting was more then....a coincidence. It was literaly a strange wind that brought you two together for the second time around. So having said that...why waste the moment?

And for THAT moment you two thought....maybe...just maybe you guys are meant to be for that while......maybe.........

You ended the night thinking that it was all fun and you both had it. Then when he kissed you goodbye and say "I'll see you again" you in turn checked with LOGIC and said "No honey...we won't"......

You're expecting him to have a nonchalant look on his face......

NO

The blue eyes of his was pryed with shock and disbelief that those words came out from your mouth.

THEN

You got confuse, yourself EMOTIONS kicked in...why did he looked like that!!

TOO LATE...the cab you are in went off..................................

This man with eyes like the ocean is going to haunt you forever and ever...you will remember him as the brown haired guy with a smile that makes you smile and a laugh that makes you laugh. Sitting together on the beach watching the sunset, sharing a beer before he turns to you and ask you to spend the night with him.

FATED or NOT....who knows....who knows where he drifted and who knows where we will be in time to come. But one thing for sure, this surfer dude will definately have a place in your heart forever.....................................

Exactly a week ago...what I believed spinned out of control in terms of morality and emotionally.

Today…I am speechless….is like being hit by a big truck….you don't see it coming until it hits you in the face. And it comes fast and hard. What else can I say to justify this emotional haywire?..... For something that is kept so carefully guarded and constantly being placed in the backseat after logic, my emotions are bursting out of the box with a vengeance. I shall quote Darian "You either use your head, your heart or your cunt (or penis for you men) to think" everyone knows for a fact I am the type of person who uses the first and the last…never the middle. I lost that part a long time ago….until….that fateful day.

Thinking With Your Head

Logically, a stranger from a different geographical location whom you met when you both were 70% intoxicated by the local Bintang (that was good shit) in a local hot spot, in a country that don't belong to either of you. Logically speaking…it was not meant to last longer then that hilarious night. Yes hilarious because you hear him screaming the name of your country of origin to his mates as though they suffer from some hearing disability. Then in his miraculous drunken courage he declares to you that you look beautiful tonight while holding your hand. Can it get more hilarious then that! Of course it can…half of the time he's with you your thinking what kind of an idiot is he. It adds to the comic when you find out he's from a country so far that sheep outnumber humans 1:10…then again that ratio was given under the influence. Logic accepted.

Thinking With Your Cunt (or Penis for you men)

Emotionally you are too drunk to bother bout his existence but horny enough to want him to stay around so you guys can do the nasty on the dance floor or something. As you take a closer look you noticed the dude has some physical attributes that will definitely catch your fancy…who the fuck cares man not like you'll see the mother fucker ever again rite so…ok why not do some dirty dancing. He really got you all excited at the dance floor and you enjoyed it as well as he is REALLY REALLY your type and he is very attractive, ok…enjoy the attention and the physical contact while its there. Not meant to last longer then that 4 minute sexy Shakira song.

Thinking With Your Heart

Now this here, this is the one which is a little complicating and it's like….malaria…you never know you got it until you get it. So…what makes the situation enter the "heart" zone…well let me do a mental rerun on the experience. You can't stop thinking about the voice, the touch of his hand, the smile and those beautiful beautiful blue eyes and on top of it you can't resists his reckless charms. These are the things that will haunt you for days and days and it will eat you little by little and feed on your desire until it gets too big for you to handle. Then you'll find yourself getting edgy and restless for some god damn reason you don't know yourself. And when you have a little room for thought in your head, you think about that person and everything else in between. As time goes by, somehow…that person is gradually moving to the backseat of your thoughts….THEN….

HE APPEARS

Out of nowhere he prances around in his surf shorts, barefooted looking oh so blur with his surf board walking to the beach, and you sitting a few yards away about to light up a cigarette when you find yourself lifting your shades, squinting and saying "oh my god…is that!!!!!" then you leap out from your chair and selfishly forget the world while you run towards that direction. The amount of blood needed to pump your heart at that moment is going to be able to fly a jet plane as well. You spotted him….now what?

ok first thing that came to my mind was "ARE THESE PEOPLE FOR REAL!" Hell man it's youtube any god damn human being that is capable of touching a computer can put anything up there. But seriously are there people of the world who are IGNORANT to that level?. Listen.... I would not use the word stupid to describe what we saw in the video because it is not fair to classify Americans as idiots because of ONE American who doesn't know where the Berlin Wall is located. Ignorance better suit them as they OBVIOUSLY think that everything OUTSIDE the United States of America is irrelevant to their daily lives. OK fine. Put a handsome man in a suit asking random Americans on the street about the religion of Buddhist monks and YET no answer and you'll get the ultimate humiliation of a nation. Kofi Anan is a coffee...and Tony Blair is an actor.....hmm George Bush must be a brand of a fertilizer then. Don't disrespect me folks...I know damn well who George Bush is...but then again...maybe some of my country men doesn't...hmmm...Nyah...ask the pak cik who sells nasi lemak about Israel and he can tell you "Yahudi (Jew)" I'll bet on that. I was pondering over the validility of the video, initially I thought it was all a sick joke but WHO in their right mind is willing to embarass themselves and their nation for the sake of.....complying the stereptype. HAHAHA so this leads me to the other option....the video must be true then...and oh my fucking lord Americans are a bunch of ignorant fools... Hey if they can think that we live on trees...what's wrong with me thinking that their are narrow?

K ppl this has been what we have been working on among other things...but this has got to be our pride and glory...

HERE IS TO YOU GUYS who supported us all the way

There are four things in life which has the power to gravitate man’s interest towards it.

POWER

MONEY

FREE STUFFS

BRITNEY SPEARS

Yes Ms Britney Spears… what the heck happened to that woman I wonder. When she first came out…you got to admit, she had the whole world at her feet. Catchy songs which are irritatingly entertaining, dance moves that inspires us all to embarrass ourselves while trying it out. And of course THAT BODY… I remember the time when people thought she was invisible… I think she thought that too, the world thought that she will grow old with us… like Madonna… Although I am not a fan of hers BUT I am aware of her plight and I feel sorry for her as a human being. Imagine having the world to watch your downfall (as well as your p***y). This is what I know; we (common people) have a love-hate relationship with celebrities. It is human nature to in between idolization and envy. We love to watch them succeed because it inspires us, on the other hand when they fall; it makes us feel good to know that they are in fact human beings like everyone else.

 Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Angelina Jolie, we all like to see them but we also LOVE to watch them suffer in the face of the world. Let me remind you, being famous is just having more then 10 people knowing your name. When you are already there, 20 more will tell another 30 that they know you. As for you…who ARE your friends? Probably the first 5 people who has been around you even before your name is on any billboard or television, then again by the time one realizes that, your first 5 friends has already moved on with life with a bitter-sweet memory of their time with you.

I feel extremely disappointed when I saw her latest show on the VMA, the only thing I could think of was how many people who are watching this laughing at her.

I’m sure you guys watched the ever famous Chris Crocker’s video on LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!! And I am pretty damn sure millions of people get the kicks from watching his plea on Britney’s behalf. Well I for one, I actually agree with him, what is the deal man, Britney is just doing what she does best, I understand the mockery of insults coming from some people but come on… isn’t the blondes getting a bit too old…Britney, Paris…etc.

Yes it is fun to make fun of people like that but any self-respecting individual will understand and respect boundaries instead of perpetuating their jokes when it comes to the downfall. You guys are doing it just because you cannot be in a place where she WAS.   

Let me share with you my idea of physical beauty. Few months ago I was checking through some videos and I came upon a realization. Ed Roland of Collective Soul…is one of the…if not THE most beautiful person I have ever came across. You got to check this video out to see for yourself.

Completely mesmerizing…that’s all I can say. Let us not talk about that long wavy hair and those greener then green eyes. Let me explain it from a detailed approached. God really spend a lot of time making Ed Roland looking the way Ed Roland looks as we know. He is blessed with perfect bone structures, straight nose, sharp jaw line, strong chin, and deep set eyes that fit perfectly on his face….(despite that.. the man can sing).

Okay now imagine this, try taking all those features out one by one on its own, and I will give u a flaw. Eyes... pretty small for your average white dude. Nose…although its straight its pretty big like your average white dude, and that is what makes him so beautiful, every part of his features compliments each other although it is not the ideal idea of a perfect feature on its own.

I could not stop taking my eyes off him every time I see a video from Collective Soul. Is not much about girly intuitions but more on self realization on how great God can be, he can make someone so beautiful with flaws that only enhance their look, some of you guys might not agree with me on this but beauty is defined by the society…not the eye of the beholder. I can bet less then 10 of you will agree with me that Ed Roland is indeed beautiful. The trend right now will put him in between “okay-lar” and “normal” in fact I won’t be surprise if some of you might think he looks like a porn star. But THAT my friends…is how a man suppose to look like.

I have been living on Nidji’s Hapus Aku for a week now…

Haihzers....

That song is one of those “right-moment” songs that came along to rip off your bare emotions when you are out of words. This one line really struck me.

Kau bunuh dia sesuatu yang kusebut itu cinta

Direct translation would be…you killed the thing that I called love

My understanding would be, unappreciated love. Love itself is a….strong word, should not be said when not required. I’m speaking through experience here people. Listen to me! Do not say that word unless you are sure.

What I did was, well…. I know myself, my intentions were true but I’ve said it to the wrong person I guess…but no regrets nevertheless. Life goes on.

To YOU… in the next life perhaps.

I know I'm suppose to give a part 2 on my previous post... (RE: Things are never what they appear) but the moment for the topic has left the frontal lobe of my brain at the moment. Due to the given vacancy another issue has popped into my humble mind and I would like to share it with 'myah-peeps' out there.

Familiar with the term "other half" Well yes I would like to give a thought or two about the phrase.

NOTE: YES THE TITLE OF THIS POST IS MY OTHER HALF BUT I AM NOT GOING TO BE SHARING ANYTHING JUICY WITH YOU FOLKS SO…IF YOU ARE DISSAPOINTED THAT I'M NOT SHARING YOU CAN CLOSE THIS WINDOW AND SURF PORN INSTEAD

Anyways…

Yes…"My other half"….that word was kept in the darkest corner pit in my mind with the other stuffs which falls under "Things that I don't 2 hoots about", until one day when I first landed my job with that wonderful craft shop in that not-so-wonderful mall my boss introduced her husband to me like so…

Boss: Lee Lian…this is M***, my other half

WOW…. Never have I come across a reference like that. In my head it was just the other half of my salary…My other half……… I know the answer is obvious but why do they call it other half…why not…other quarter or…other one third. Why half…pretty childish question and yea obviously the clue to the answer lies in that cheesy line "You complete me" I could never comprehend that 'My other half' line…it disturbed me but yet I was curious. How can ONE person feel incomplete without the existence of another individual who is a stranger to you in the most parts of your life?

I was on a quest…. It was a dumb quest nevertheless; I mean how can you fucking find answers to questions that you are not even sure of? Is like a blind man asking what is blue. He has never seen blue and a person who HAS seen blue will find it bitchy to explain the color blue. Same questions that came to me…I have not been to the point where my soul's existence relies on someone else's. To me it was like trying to imagine David Copperfield wiping out the Statue Of Liberty from the face of the earth. Unimaginable but yet possible.

Also giving 'half' of your soul away to someone who is new in your life is just down right idiotic. That is why people get heartbroken in relationships. It's a case of the barter system gone wrong…you give and you give sincerely hoping that the other party will give you back an equal if not excessive trade in return. But only less then a handful could actually achieve that kind of level in what I call the "Relationship Nirvana" where everything is all peaches and cream with that occasional disagreements which only adds a little chili and masala to the pot. Perfect balance.

Balancing alone in the world today is a handful already, throw in your significant other along with their problems and what do you get. The impossible task of multi-tasking which I would put it in a way that….clowns don't do perfect juggles all the time. So when everything falls to the floor…what do you do? Abandon your thoughts about your 'other-half' and think maybe they're not that much of halves…get hurt and abandon future intention of dating someone from the opposite sex? (same sex dating is applicable) or devote yourself to Jesus Christ because He will never abandon you…In a way…if you're patient enough with Jesus…He'll be so bored of you one day that He'll leave someone worthy of your soul to be with you while He goes celebrating his good fortune of not having to see your suffer again.

If you were like me…skeptical about the issues of relationship trust me there will come a time when God will be so fed up with your denial nature that he will teach you a good lesson. This lesson will literally cut you into half and inviting someone else to come and fill in the other half (NGION I know you know what am I talking about…I understand how it was like right now) The reason for this act of selflessness is because you really want to be a part of that person and there is NO one else in the world that can be like that person. It's true…there is only one of us in the world. One Lee Lian…one Jing Ping…one Yu Ming etc… and that is it so it doesn't really matter how horrible our bad habits can be..it makes US…and that is the things that our special someone will see in us and put that whole concept of accepting as I've mentioned earlier…they are willing to take that bad habits of ours and probably make a change as the relationship goes along.

Let's face it…we can never be accepted 100% for who we are. SO this is my theory...put the term 'other half' into the picture. So let's say me and my smoking habits…someone accepted me as part of him…so he basically has smoking in his life which he is not fond of. Now put yourself in his shoes and imagine he has to walk around now with that bad habit that doesn't even belong to him. Pretty annoying don't you think?

Now think about the other person...me… Smoking is not part of him…neither is it part of me…its just an external attitude. Its not like I am suffering from a life long disease which will stay in my body for the rest of my life. Since it's a habit…it's pretty hard to kick off…understandable. But think about this in the long term…say after a few hundreds of boxes of Dunhill…you got asthma…or even worst…some lung failure shit. Now that is part of you in your body…wouldn't he suffer with you as well if you're his other half…wouldn't he feel the kind of pain that you'll feel everything you have difficulty breathing? He being part of you…wouldn't you feel helpless to see him feel helpless?

The problem with some people trying to change their better half in the name of "love" they just do it in a wrong way…they try to change their partner with a way that doesn't give them space…like give them choices….IT'S ME OR THE FOOTBALL!!! That's pretty unreasonable. People just don't know how to express themselves properly sometimes and also it's genetically built in us to be defensive. Once we start being defensive we shut down every possible explanation for the other person's actions.

I do admit some request by some people on their other half is terribly unreasonable…like most girls who hate their boyfriends hanging out with their buddies…that's just being downright silly.

So I guess….the other half of you is as real as real can be. Like my Sony Ericsson phone…I can see it…I can hear it…I can feel it…I can touch it…and I'll DEF feel it when it drops…….

Photographs are one of those little things in life that are taken for granted. Generally photographs freezes the moment so it'll be remembered always by those who see it at the same time, the story behind the picture is waiting to be passed on as one more 'great tales of the common folk's escapades'.

My parents celebrated my arrival into this god-forsaken world 21 years ago with a purchase of a Nikon to snap the happiest, saddest and also most embarrassing moments of my childhood. Those who know my mother will also know that she doesn't know anything about cameras BUT she truly values the function on it. She always tell me that photographs are the closest thing you can ever get to a time machine. A picture of you when you are 21 will always be there so that you will remember how beautiful your youth were when you are 71. That was her idea of time travel.

During my dark ages as a librarian I came across this photojournalism book by LIFE magazine. I think it was called 'LIFE in WAR' or something. It was a collection of photographs taken from the First Great War to the Cold War. In there were the most raw, honest and disturbing pictures that I have ever came across. Obviously this book was aimed to showcase the truths of man-made confrontation with their machines and the effects it brings on the innocents. However, to someone who is living ahead of the century that those events took place those pictures represented the emotions of the people inside. Their story la basically…I found myself thinking things like what were they thinking? What did they do the day before this picture was taken? What happened to them after this picture was taken? Who was the man or woman who took those pictures? Do they have a name? How was their life before the war like? What got them into that pile of shit? It was a question that I will never know because I wasn't there. However I know what they were going through then because I can see it. Unlike personal photos it wasn't my reminder to those moments it was theirs but by looking at the moment frozen on paper it is passed on as 'great tales of the common folk's escapades'.

One example is this picture that was taken in the streets of Paris after the Allied took over the city. While people were rejoicing over the defeat of the Germans, some Parisians were sorting out locals who befriended the Germans during their occupation. The journalist explained that men were beaten to death and women were publicly humiliated by having their hair shaved off in public. There was this one particular picture that showcased the event. This young beautiful lady was seated on a stool and she was crying while having her hair shaved off. And if that didn't add to her humiliation imagine being insulted and spit on by everyone watching. Just because she had an affair with a German officer, from that piece you can see the hatred the Parisian have towards the Nazis. You can also see the shame of the woman who seems like she would rather die then enduring that emotional torture. Then you find yourself asking…did she deserved this? Ok so she slept with the enemy…but why? Was she in love? Was she forced to in order for an exchange of a more valuable commodity like food which only the Germans have in control? Maybe she was doing it for a greater cause…a sacrifice of some sort. Who knows….only she and God know. All I know her image send her story of remorse and sorrow through my eyes.

I know...some of you have been wondering what have I been up to for the past 6 to 12 months. The significance of my existence to MOST can be comparable to the importance of peanuts.To SOME their notion about my position comes and goes like durian season...well...fair enough.To a noble FEW, their imagination on my whereabouts can be streached to all four corners of the universe...God Bless you kind loving souls.However, sorry to dissapoint you good people...my life during my dissapearing era was not as wild and exciting as most of you thought. It was downright bitter then sweet as custard pie made by the hands of an angel.

I did NOT celebrate my 21st birthday  by throwing a wild all-you-can-drink booze fest filled by musicians and hippies...nope...all I did was having a moment in Devi's @ Bangsar with a musician and a handful of hippies.In case YOU my fellow readers are shrouded by the location of Bangsar being an upscale place...Devi's is a regular mamak which happens to be in an upscale place. It was on that day too that I fully understood part of Wai King's prejudices when it comes to...*ahem* race. Hell man! I'm f***ing 21 time to clean up and grow up.

1st step- Remove all forms of grim and dirt that might damage goods

2nd step- Admit pass flaws, self-realization may be humiliating but by saying "YES I FUCKING DID THAT SHIT" you are on your way to setting your soul at ease. Denial worsens your chances for a peacefull sleep at night

3rd step- Be realistic for the love of god. Do not think just because you have forgiven yourself others will forgive you too. And do not say you can understand others because you are not them and you can't. I have quit trying to make others happy because it is unrealistic to go around and be a clown and a mime at the same time.

4th step- LADIES....NEVER and i mean NEVER let others put a price to you. You may devirginized yourself at a young age because you're just too fucking horny and someone might say 'she has no value now la'. To that someone...that girl has more value then you think cause she hell knows how to satisfy a man in bed...that was just an example la...bottomline is...self-experience is what your value is based on.

The last effort...FUCK the past...let it fucking go...forget about those who screwed your life...its not their fault because you let them screwed it...crying over it won't change anything so fuck it. Let the minions of the devil take that rotten part of your live and watch it on 'Primetime' nightly. It doesn't fucking matter...people will forget about it when you forget about it.

With all that taken into consideration...now all you have to do it just kick back relax and let God work his magic. And trust me His magic will happen when you least expect. Is not that its a blind miracle, its just that you are so busy trying to get your life together that you yourself won't realize that you are actually ready for things that you are longing for. Hmmm....reminds me of my birthday present from my dad....

I didn't expected it but he gave me THE car on my birthday. That's the sign of him thinking that I am ready la.

So, after a while of hibernation. It is time for me to face the rest of the world. I got all sorts of funny comments from old pals like Yumes and Ngion and his other half. Whatever la all is good. The better part has yet to come.

As a sign of my newcoming...I have cropped that bushy thing on my head you guys called hair...Now its really short...actually its not that dramatic la i just got rid of it because the bush was turning into the Black Forest.

As for the significant weight lost...i have no explanation for that...

Anywayz...welcome back friends and foes alike...love me hate me whatever....welcome